Dilemma

I have recently found myself pondering about my life decisions. This whole winter quarter has been very difficult for me not only school wise but it has impacted my mental health. I have been feeling like this for a long time. I do not have much of a social life, I crave to go home everyday but I do not know if it is the best decision for myself.

When I left home, I made a pact for myself and decided I do not want to go back no matter the circumstances. But ever since my mental health has declined, I found myself extremely unhappy and I cry almost every single night. I feel so trapped in my own mind, no support system here, no where to really outlet my true emotions. Everyday is battle for myself, I put on a mask for the outside world and as soon as I enter my dorm room my mind instantly turns around on itself. I question what is best for myself.

If I go home, I get to be with my family and I get to work. I would not be paying for any rent and I have a car to use. I can hike mountains and spend a lot of my time outdoors. But if I go home I lose about $600 just for the trip there and back. I would not be able to continue my business degree and I would have to change my major.

If I stay, I will not have a car and basically trapped in my dorm room. I can continue my business degree, and I could find a job in town. I would still be close to my boyfriend Taylor, and I would get to experience new things. There are new places to hike and more places to explore. I would get to spend my summer in a new place.

I am constantly stuck in this dilemma and I just wish I could decide. I just want to be my happiest self and make the best decision for myself.

Giving Grace

Today in class, my English professor stated that "everyday we should wake up and think about at least five things to be grateful for, whether that be physical things or emotional." It intrigued me in a way that I would like to do so. I realize that I wake up everyday and immediately reach for my phone. I want to be able to wake up slowly and gracefully, really reflect on my life instead of dwelling it.

There are certain words that really stick to my head and this was one of those things. I want to be in touch with myself spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I go through a lot of introspection through out the day and I want to be able to reflect on it in the future. I think it is really important to respectfully give light to those and myself to the things that I am grateful for. We live in such a selfish society and we forget to give thanks to those that are deserving of it.

Sundaze

All of my Sundays so far have been spent in dorm room and it goes a little like this;  I wake up the first time at around 9am and then I realize it's too early to be awake but before I return to my hibernation, I check all of my notifications and do my rounds thru out all of my social media apps. Usually consists of streaks on Snapchat from people who vaguely care about me and my well being, likes on retweets on my Twitter and then very many memes sent to me from my boyfriend along with a good morning text.

The second awakening will happen at around 11:30am -12pm in the afternoon but takes me at least an hour to get out of bed to start my day. I then lay around in my hammock or in my bed binge watching Youtube or Netflix up until 5pm. I rely on the rest of the day to do my weekend's worth of homework which always ends brings me back to Youtube or Netflix.

This has been an alarming cycle that I have been stuck in. I don't necessarily like to spend my Sundays this way but not having a car limits you to this.

New Beginnings

I understand that January is coming to an end and I let a whole month of the year pass by me to finally get myself together. It has been a rough beginning to 2018, going home for the winter break and spending a week with my boyfriend after a month of not seeing each other really shook up my world. I just could not get myself motivated to do anything especially getting a jump start to the winter quarter.

I spent the all the weekends of the new year all alone in my dorm room so I began to think to myself, "I need to make use of myself." It has been difficult for myself to find a job and not having a car throws myself off. I have been confining myself from the outside world, desperately waiting for my phone to buzz so I can talk to my boyfriend. I just spend a lot of my time watching Netflix while snacking so why not use my time wisely and creatively.

Well now that I am back on my feet with a sense of my goals for the year, I think I am ready to start keeping this as my journal/blog. I am pretty much an amateur at writing and I do not have much of an audience but I know that it is healthy for my mental and emotional health.

Please excuse me but, I have had my 2018 resolutions written for quite sometime. Every year, everyone makes a decision that its time for a restart but I believe it is a way to improve ourselves. There is not a need for a new year to start, it is respectable that people make a decision to do so for a new year because everyone can always improve themselves.

My 2018 Resolutions

Stay Organized

Write a journal entry everyday (fail but can still continue)

Drink at least 3 bottles of water a day

Be productive and proactive

Maintain a routine

Save at least 30% of income

Get at least 8 hours of sleep a day

Eliminate toxic things from my life; soda, people, junk food

Learn how to cook

Increase my faith in God and create a stronger relationship

Explore and experience more

Learn how to budget

Eat a bigger breakfast and smaller dinner

Become well-informed and take studies seriously

Stay motivated

Senior Year

Finally, here is the last year of high school. You have overcome all the peer pressure of fitting in, the boy drama, and all the shifting from being a teenager to an adult that really shaped you to be the person who you have become today. Now juggling school, social life, volleyball, two jobs, and sleep is not easy at all but definitely a challenge. Thankful I was given only morning class so I get a little bit of lee way. The only stressful thing is traveling every weekend and falling far behind. I don't know where I'm going with this but I just want to remind myself how successful I have been so far even though I just went through a bad breakup and how hardworking I was even though I have way too many things on my plate. I know it seems like a lot but I know I can handle it and I am fully capable of doing all of it even if I do cry a couple times at night because all I want is for my future to be a little bit easier to handle and growing up won't be as hard as everyone says it is because I'm already doing it.

Spring Fever

Spring is slowly approaching here in Kodiak, AK. The sun comes and goes, as does the snow or hail or what ever you want to call it. Just last year, I have concluded that out of the four seasons spring is the absolute worse. It is not because of the weather or the freshly new blooming flowers or the flourishing grass. I just truly believe that as students everyone falls into this sloom.

As spring break passes, the motivation to do any school work goes down hill while the grades gradually decreases. All anyone can focus on is the summer break, hoping to be outside with no worries about the world.  Quickly falling behind with this daydream. Our mentality is stuck on this image and our emotions are building up.

For me every year I noticed how grouchy I get and emotional. I tend to fall into a deep sadness where I believe that everyone is out to get me or hates me, which usually ends up with me spending my birthday alone. I don't quite understand it because it only happens during the months March and April. My emotions get extremely sensitive and I begin to spend my days home alone.

Sometimes do not mind that this happens because I began to analyze and realize that a lot of old friends do not care about me. I always seem to run back. In this small town, things like this become controversial and "the press" come running out asking questions. I pray 2015 will make the change and I will truly be able to be myself.

New Intentions

Cheers to the New Year! It is a big accomplishment just to make it through 2014. I just want to acknowledge all those who did not make it to 2015.

I know its very cliche to make resolutions for a new year but I believe it is to make us feel better about ourselves. We dedicate all our time in the beginning of the year to restart, start from scratch. We think a new year is a restart from all the mistakes we made in the previous year. We make goals to accomplish, to help us grow as a person.

Through out the rest of the year we forget about all these goals we set for ourselves and go back to our old habits. It does not take a long time for this to happen, mostly two to three months tops. We run back to our safety nets, scared of change. In the end there is always going to be a change in the year that the person you were a year ago would not even believe there would be.

All our goals set us up to become a better person, whether it is to be more fit, or to change your mindset, or to think more positive, or to get rid of fears, or to just be yourself. We set all the goals for good change.

My 2015 Resolutions 

Spend more time with GOD

Don't be afraid of your beliefs and thoughts.

Stay entitled to my opinions.

Have a more positive outlook on things. (Be optimistic)
Improve relationships with everyone, family, friends, classmates, teachers.

Maximize creation.

Stay away from junk food.

Develop a Meatless Monday mindset.
Push myself to try harder in everything I do.

Do not care about people's opinions about you. 

Get to know people, they probably want to get to know you too.

Write more, write about everything. 

Stay hydrated, H2O is good for you.

Be kind.

Enjoy the little things. 

Say more hi's and hello's. 

Be more confident. 

Take time to realize how blessed I am. 

Develop a better skin routine.
Love myself.
Stay on top off school and stuff.
ENJOY THE YEAR